Welcome to Comics Wiki Adventures, a weekly deep dive into just how unhinged comics can be. I will randomly select a character from comics and read their wiki each week.
I will then take only the choicest bits and serve them to you, over easy. What does that mean? I don’t know.
Anyway, today’s randomly generated character is:
DC Comics Own: Green Lantern
…which, if you don’t know, is a big one.
If you need a primer on the Green Lantern, here is a quick synopsis: Sentient creatures from across the universe get recruited to protect their chunk of space if they have strong enough will. They have a ring (usually) that focuses that will into pretty much anything they want. Except they can’t do anything to yellow things. Which is why their greatest enemies are the Yellow Lanterns.
Yes, there are other colors of Lanterns, but I absolutely refuse to discuss them here.
The Greens’ nature as an organization leaves me with a puzzler. Where to even start? Doing a rough count on the wiki, roughly one hundred fifty Green Lanterns have appeared in DC comics.
So, I’ll take a different tack here to maintain the weekly deadline that I arbitrarily set for myself.
There really are not many limits in comics, but there is one very notable limit to all media: human imagination. Sure, we could create anything at all, but typically we just go with person but purple.
Usually, that’s enough to make your average reader go. “Wowee, that’s space, alright. I know space when I see it, and it looks like someone with a spray tan that fell asleep on modeling clay.”
But eventually, even the least discerning media consumers bore at mere palette swaps. No matter how fancy their cranial plumage is. So what are the laziest of science fiction authors and artists to do?
Use other forms of life from Earth, of course.
Come on, it has to be a real animal.
Here are the top five Green Lanterns from DC Comics (that look like non-humans from Earth).
I know your first question, for I know all. “Why non-humans? Couldn’t you just say animals?”
To which I say, you are reading an opinion piece about characters in comics. Strong odds are, you are on the toilet. I am hand-holding you through a rather complicated procedure here. I’d appreciate a bit of faith in the process.
Ok. So. Here we go.
I meant like a real close shot of a fly’s face, really disgusting. Absolutely chase readers off. Fine, we’ll do majestic beauty, just this once.
Number Five: Bzzd
Bzzd is a sentient insect-like creature from the planet Apiaton. He is about the size of a housefly but has a poisonous stinger instead of a typical housefly butt.
Some of the perks of being a Green Lantern are lost on him. He can already fly, and he already strikes fear into evildoers. Gooddoers too. Really anyone that sees a massive six-pound insect flying at them, glowing green and with a compound eye filled with the pure power of indomitable will.
He does really like producing absolutely gigantic will projections, though. So seems like he’s ultimately into it. He’s only so low on the list because things only get weirder from here.
Try and find a creative commons picture of a squirrel with a ring and a cape. I’ll wait. If you don’t like it then you’ll have to tell that cute little face he’s not good enough.
Number Four: Ch’p
It’s no surprise that this particular creation takes some inspiration from another source. That’s the whole deal with this list. But Ch’p is more and less than that, all at once. He’s a squirrel-like creature from the planet H’lven, and if his name isn’t enough of a clue to the source of his inspiration, his best friend is named D’ll.
He also has a girlfriend, M’nn’e. Which, beyond the fact it slaps you in your face with its obviousness, makes no sense. If Ch’p has a significant other, it’s D’ll, and we all know it.
Anyway, a crossover event erases him from time George Bailey style. In the alternate timeline where he doesn’t exist, D’ll and M’nn’e end up together. Later, in an unrelated incident, Ch’p is hit by a yellow truck when woozy from hibernation and dies.
Oh, and he fought Battle Beaver. A name I do not suggest you turn off your SafeSearch and google, then click on images and scroll past all the pictures of PS5 controllers. Because there is absolutely zero of what you might hope to find there. What a disappointment, internet. Get on that one.
Number Three: Bloobert Cob
This is a big stretch, but his name is Bloobert Cob. I’m not gonna let that pass. And he does kinda look like a blobfish, right?
Bah, you don’t look anything like a blobfish. Whatever, forget it. No picture for this or the next one.
Number Two: Xax
Yet another insect-like, this time grasshopper-like, from the planet Xaos. Xax tried to feed all his people with his will, and it didn’t work. The lesson being, don’t try and improve things. Capitalist realism, man.
Anyway, why is he so high up on the list? I wanted to stick the filler a bit further down but still have the number one be a mystery until the end.
Also, he gets turned into an earring, which was pretty cool.
Ah, what every comics fan loves, references to a nearly sixty-year-old musical.
Number One: Leezle Pon
Saved the best for last. Leezle, beyond being the eldest Von Trapp, is also why I couldn’t say animal above.
He is a sentient Smallpox virus that somehow also has a power ring. So why recruit a microscopic creature for your space club? At one point, Leezle had a partner who was, somehow, a full-sized person. But he was killed on shore leave while visiting his family by an unrelated space virus working for the yellow lanterns.
Leezle swears revenge and spends the rest of his days tracking the other virus down. By which I mean waiting patiently in a syringe for someone to get infected by the “yellow fever” (it’s not actually yellow fever, but I have to say that because it wouldn’t be any more ridiculous if it was). Another Green Lantern eventually does get the evil virus, so it actually pans out. He ends up getting his revenge, but it really seems like a one-time thing to deal with your problems by injecting yourself into your friend.
So Those Are The Top Five Green Lanterns From DC Comics (That Look Like Non-humans From Earth).
Thanks for reading! If you liked this article, you might also like this previous entry on Loki. Or if for some inexplicable reason, you want to check out something I didn’t write, you can check out this article on Wo Long: Fallen Dynasty! But DO NOT ENGAGE LU BU!
Let me know in the comments below what you think is the greenest character in comics and what character I should randomly select next!
