Welcome to Comics Wiki Adventures, a weekly deep dive into just how unhinged comics can be. I will randomly select a character from comics and read their wiki each week.
I will then take only the choicest bits and serve them to you, over easy. What does that mean? I don’t know.
Anyway, today’s randomly generated character is:
Marvel Comics Own: White Rabbit
What a fantastic coincidence that I would write about a full-grown woman who dresses up as a rabbit on Easter. Sorry, to be clear, she doesn’t just dress up as a rabbit on Easter. If anything, I expect she lays low that day to avoid confusion.
Lorina Dodson fell in love with Alice in Wonderland as a child and is rich. So naturally, she cosplays as the white rabbit while perpetrating some of the most minor crimes imaginable. Basically, she’s like any other member of the 1% but with better style and less severe crimes. As she has no powers, she buys rabbit-related gadgets, like a sword resembling a carrot or a giant rabbit mech. Oh, and mutated rabbits.
For Her First Crime…
Lorina could have started a bogus healthcare business and made millions preying on the most vulnerable. Instead, she gathered a gang and went on a spree of robberies. Did she rob banks? No, too profitable. Jewelry stores? Nope, with her penchant for gold watches, that would have made too much sense. Chemical factories? Come on, be serious; this isn’t Gotham.
No, Lorina naturally hires multiple people and steals from fast-food restaurants. How many people do you need to have on the payroll for a score of at most the hundred dollars they are allowed to keep in the register? I have no idea; I’ve not and never will read the actual comic or, I should hastily add, robbed anyone. But it makes it clear she had a gang of accomplices, and any amount over zero is too much.
As they scrape the absolute bottom of the barrel crime-wise, Lorina and her gang are confronted by Frog-Man (aka Eugene Patilio). They fight, and Eugene is nearly beaten to death until Spider-Man shows up to drive Lorina off. I probably would have skipped that altogether, except the wiki goes out of its way to mention how badly Eugene got destroyed. It was so odd that it sent me down a small rodent-shaped gap in the ground on Frog-Man, and it was well worth it. Gonna store that safely away in case the Comicsputer chooses him randomly.
Next Stop, Even Less Reasonable Targets!
Lorina then attacks the next most profitable enterprise in the area, a children’s book fair. One can only imagine her next stop is the local farmer’s market or perhaps a child’s lemonade stand on the side of the road.
So she fails and then tries to escape with rocket boots. Boots that must have cost more than a year’s worth of book fairs just to fuel. Clearly, she’s not in it for the money, but these crimes are so petty that there’s no glory or fame either.
But now she’s in too deep, so she teams up with the Walrus to take down Frog-Man. And fails. Then she hires some actors, dresses them as the Dormouse and Mad Hatter, and makes them help her. And fails.
Obviously, this lady’s got a schtick, and it ain’t just the Alice Wonderland thing. She shows up with a crew of nobodies that gets absolutely wrecked. At this point, it would be fair to wonder what makes an article about such an utter failure an extravaganza and if there will be any Easter-related content beyond how she is dressed.
Well, great news on the latter. She also teams up with a group of animal-themed villains called the Menagerie, and they steal some Easter eggs!
But Spider-Man beats them all up. Presumably, he also takes back the eggs. That’s…well, that’s it.
Man, I Really Thought This Might be About Easter Themed Comics
A fun and exciting topic about a furry who commits crimes, preferably on a major holiday. How could I go so wrong? I won’t accept it. There must be something actually in here.
Let’s see. Hunted for sport…fits the rabbit thing a bit too well. Nearly killed by a weird combo of Spider-Man and Deadpool? Meh. Got mad at a cashier for not serving breakfast?
What is it with this lady and fast food? She wasn’t even in costume at the time. She just got so mad she went over the counter and started attacking the employees. A judge was present, Leonard Elkhart, along with his son Dan, and they saw the whole thing.
Lorina is arrested, and Leonard, a witness to the crime, is assigned to her case. I am not a legal expert, but it seems like a slightly completely outrageous breach of ethics. He denies her bail, which makes it pretty embarrassing for him and the entire justice system that she somehow shows up at his house the next day in her costume and pulls a gun on him.
The wiki says this is a joke, as it’s a toy gun. Which, sure, nothing is funnier than breaking into someone’s home who can finger you for a crime and pointing a weapon at them. You know, that old jape. Unfortunately, like all practical jokes, this one sucked. In fact, that may actually undersell it in this case, as Dan has a heart attack at seeing the gun and dies.
Classic Comics Fun with a Lady Dressed as a Bunny
Lorina tries to save Dan’s life, which initially seems nice, but then you realize she uses shock gloves on him. Now we have no real idea how old Dan is. His picture in the wiki looks like he’s twenty at most, but that’s the best we can do. We know he eats fast food, so that’s a knock against him, but he looks like a pretty healthy fella.
The question then becomes, was he just feeling faint? Was it Lorina’s attempts to “save” him that doomed him? I can’t say. But I will say. Yes. Absolutely that.
For some reason, this was enough reason for Leo to be replaced as the judge in Lorina’s case. At her next court date, Leo shows up and tries to shoot her but instead hits a court reporter, killing them. As a fun topper to this whole prank cycle, the previously mentioned rabbit mech bursts into the room and scoops off Lorina.
Leo, now a teensy bit utterly broken, pled guilty at trial and went to prison. He was so distraught by the state of his life that, per the wiki, “he allowed the criminals he’d sentenced to do as they pleased to him.”
After years, Lorina dropped in at the prison to see how old Leo was doing, even asking him if he wanted to be friends. You might understandably expect in that situation that Lorina might get something of a talking to. You would be very correct in thinking she would deserve it. But instead, they are interrupted, and Leo is murdered by an unrelated supervillain.
So that is our Easter Extravaganza! We sure did have a lot of fun today! Absolutely no staring into the abyss around here!
Thanks for reading! If you liked this article, you might also like this previous entry on Dan the Dyna Mite (a totally different guy, to be clear)! Or if for some inexplicable reason, you want to check out something I didn’t write, you can check out this walkthrough on how to skip the first village battle in the RE4 remake! Surely we are on the cusp of figuring out how to bypass the whole game. A man can dream.